Keeping Up With The Avengers
by thestarktruth
Summary: The Avengers are approached with an offer to form their own reality TV-show, and they accept! Will their true natures be revealed to the public? How do they deal with mundane everyday life? Unexpected events collaborate with drunk nights and bad dancing, PTSD and paranoia, fights and flings, travels and tantrums, and the Avengers are bound to surprise.
1. (Season Premiere) Meet The Cast

**AN:** I wrote this on a whim. Imagine it like a show that you're watching. If you're offended by an opinion expressed in my writings, please don't take it badly. I'm just trying to represent the characters' personalities through words. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

 ** _Keeping Up With The Avengers_ (Season Premiere)**

 **[Intro: _Meet The Cast_ ]**

We see the back of Clint Barton's head as he walks into one of Avenger's Mansion's many rec rooms, where Sam Wilson, Wanda Maximoff and Steve Rogers are playing Monopoly on the carpeted floor.

"I still don't understand! Why do I have to build houses before making a hotel?" Steve is asking, scratching his golden head. Wanda is laughing, and she laughs even harder when Bruce Banner pauses his meditation in the corner to expel a loud sigh.

"You just do!" Sam exclaims. "Follow the rules! I thought you were a good boy!" Steve reaches over to push Sam, but Sam scoots away just in time. "Can't catch the Falcon, Golden Boy!" He then goes on to make a sound distinctly similar to that of a chicken's, and flaps his arms, much to Wanda's amusement.

"That's not how a falcon sounds," Bucky Barnes mutters from the armchair he's sitting in. He's reading a hardcover copy of _25 Easy and Quick Recipes For Your Hungry Friend_ , and has his stubbled chin propped up under his metal arm like he always does ("It never gets tired that way!").

He looks up as Clint sits next to Natasha Romanoff on the squishy red leather sofa, from where Tony Stark is also scraping a disgusting amount of dust off the TV console. "Hey, Clint," Bucky says. "Did you bring back any plums?"

"No, sorry." Clint shakes his head. "But I did bring back something - someone - special!" At this announcement, everyone's attention promptly turned to Clint.

"Clint, you would literally recruit a pigeon and say it has potential to fly," Natasha says, fixing him with a dead stare.

"No, no." Clint stands up, brushing off his denim jeans, and addressing the whole room now. "She's someone I met at the Jeremy Renner concert the other night." At this, Tony rolls his eyes.

"You mean the concert that I paid for? All 2000 dollars of it?" Tony crosses his arms grinning.

"Yes, well," Clint shoots Tony a sheepish look and continues. "She's a movie producer and a director. I got to talk with her for a bit after the concert aaaaaand..."

Steve raises his eyebrows warily.

"And she wants to work with us. Guys, we're getting our own reality TV show!"

"Oh, shit," Tony says stoically.

"Wait, what?" Sam lays down on his back on the floor, spreading his arms out, and staring at the high ceiling.

"What's a reality tee-vee show again?" Bucky says, his eyebrows quirking in a display of confusion. Steve walks over and whispers in his ear. "Ooohhhh," Bucky exclaims, nodding knowingly.

Wanda tugs at her hair nervously. "I don't know. I don't like cameras." Bruce emphatically nods his agreement.

"What does Fury think about this?" Natasha asks.

"He doesn't care, as long as we don't turn into the Kardashians. Exact words, I kid you not," Clint replies. "Are you guys up for meeting her at least?"

There is a terse five-minute discussion that ensues, during which many words are thrown about, a threat is made, an argument about whether or not beans give you indigestion takes place, and ultimately everyone is in unanimous agreement.

Clint walks out the door, and after a few seconds returns with a young Asian woman in her twenties. She is neither tall nor short, yet when she strides in in her combat boots and bomber jacket, her presence fills the room.

Shaking her shaggy brown hair out of her face, she extends a hand to Steve who is standing nearest to her. "Hullo, I'm Christine Park," She says with a warm smile. They shake hands, and Steve is surprised by how strong her handshake is. "Clint has already informed you all about my proposal, I take it?"

"Yes," Steve says, nodding slowly. "Thank you for giving us this opportunity. But I do wish to go over certain arrangements before we begin." Tony grunts in agreement.

"Absolutely. My crew and I consist of only the four of us, and we have minimum equipment. Additionally, you guys have your rights to privacy and I want you all to read this contract..." At this, Christine moves her navy North Face backpack so that it's slung on her shoulders in front of her, and pulls out a stack of packets. Clint passes them out to each member of the group.

"Legal qualifications for standardised production regarding copyright infringement?" Reading the words out slowly, Bucky raises his hand.

"Uh, yes?" Christine says, pointing to him. "Young man in the green t-shirt," She says, laughing.

Bucky blushes slightly, and Christine walks over to help him go over the filming jargon, while the others pair off and discuss parts of the contract.

Once more, many words are exchanged and the beans argument surfaces again ("But the song goes beans, beans, the magic fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot!"). However, everyone is happy in the end with their revised contract, the pages marked with so many red slashes and circles and re-written portions that it's hard to make out the original.

* * *

Off-screen voice: "So, are you excited for the show?"

Sam Wilson (red henley; white background): "I don't know, man. I wanted to be an actor when I was little, but after all the publicity we got for, you know, being _us_ , it could go both ways."

Off-screen voice: "Hmm ok. I have here that you were part of a special ops mission for the government some years ago before you were discharged? That's pretty cool."

Sam (shifting weight on the chair; sad chuckle): "Yeah. I guess so."

Off-screen voice: "Oh! I see that Riley Jordan was your partner for that mission! He's a total legend!"

Sam (covering face with hand): "Sorry. Can you give me... a second..."

Off-screen voice: "Oh sorry. No problem."

* * *

Natasha Romanoff (white GAP t-shirt; brown background): "I suppose I'm happy for this opportunity. It'll really give the people something to relate to. Show that we're not all some superhumans that don't sleep or eat or feel emotions."

Off-screen voice: "Yeah, yeah, you're right. Definitely."

* * *

Off-screen voice: "So you're the famous - well, should I say, _infamous_? - Tony Stark, huh."

Tony Stark (grinning): "Yup, that's me. Your favourite genius billionaire playboy philanthropist."

Off-screen voice: "How do you feel about the show?"

Tony: "Well, damn. I've been waiting for this offer. I'm surprised no one has ever asked me before."

Off-screen voice: "I'm sure they have their reasons."

* * *

Steve Rogers (sitting on a couch next to Bucky Barnes; perfect posture, straight back, hands in lap): "I remember watching the old black and white reels in the movie theatres. This is going to be some adjusting for me."

Bucky Barnes (hair tied back in a bun; cracking a smile): "Yeah haha. I never thought that we'd get this far in film. It's pretty amazing."

Steve: "Hey, Buck, remember when I got beat up in the alley next to that old theatre?"

Bucky: "Sure do, buddy. Those were good times, good times."

(Both men gaze off solemnly, reminiscing over the past.)

* * *

Wanda Maximoff (fidgeting): "I love television, but I also only watched them with... *voice breaks* my brother."

Off-screen voice: "Turn the camera off."

* * *

Off-screen voice: "You're pretty low-key, aren't you, Dr Banner?"

Bruce Banner (button up shirt tucked into belted jeans): "Yea, yea. I try to keep myself and my green friend out of the public eye."

Off-screen voice: "And how's that going for you?"

Bruce Banner: "Staying out of the press, you mean? Not going well."

* * *

Clint Barton (very scholarly looking gold-rimmed glasses perched on his shapely nose; looking very invigorated): "I'm pumped!"

* * *

From: Deputy Director M. Hill

To: Director N. Fury

Subject: Re: Keeping Up With The Avengers

You've got to be kidding me. People watch that shit?

* * *

From: Director N. Fury

To: Deputy Director M. Hill

Subject: Re: re: Keeping Up With The Avengers

Yes, they do, Maria. And I advise that you keep up with it, as you may very well be questioned about it by the press. I'm cc-ing the publicity manager.

* * *

From: Deputy Director M. Hill

To: Director N. Fury

Subject: Re: re: Keeping Up With The Avengers

Fine. You owe me all the hours I'm going to be spending wasting my time on that shit rather than binge-watching "House of Cards".

* * *

From: Director N. Fury

To: Deputy Director M. Hill

Subject: Re: re: Keeping Up With The Avengers

Understood.

* * *

From: Agent P. Coulson

To: Deputy Director M. Hill

Subject: Ohmigosh, there's an Avengers TV-Show?

No way! There's an Avengers show coming out! Did you hear? I attached the link to the season premiere just in case you didn't catch it:

avengers-fan-club/keeping-up-with-the-avengers/3992003

* * *

From: Deputy Director M. Hill

To: Agent P. Coulson

Subject: Re: Ohmigosh, there's an Avengers TV-show?

Please don't tell me you actually spend time on that web-site.

* * *

From: Agent P. Coulson

To: Deputy Director M. Hill

Subject: Re: re: Ohmigosh, there's an Avengers TV-show?

I do not know of what you speak of.

* * *

 _(Classic advertising woman's voice):_ A _re you tired of hearing the same old stuff about our superheroes? Why are they so mysterious? How strong are their friendships off of the playing field? What's life like in the Avenger's Mansion? Curious about their secret lives? Well, search no further._

 _Welcome to HBO's newest and biggest TV show: Keeping Up With The Avengers!_


	2. Episode 1: New Ventures

**_Keeping Up With The Avengers_ (Season 1)**

 **[Episode 1: _New Ventures_ ]**

Wanda's iPhone is on the verge of sliding off the slanted steel bookshelf that Tony had promised to adjust (but never got around to doing). A ringed hand grabs it and we see Wanda bring her teal-cased phone up to her face, scrolling quickly through the lock screen's notifications.

20 minutes ago: Clint to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _Going shopping. Anyone want to go with?_

20 minutes ago: Natasha to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _Nope. Going out with the Falcs and our green guy._

20 minutes ago: Steve to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _I'm_ _ojs._

20 minutes ago: Clint to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _What_

17 minutes ago: Steve to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _Sorry. I meant to say I'm olay._

17 minutes ago: Steve to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _*Okay._

17 minutes ago: Steve to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _Ah_ _trxting_

17 minutes ago: Tony to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _Someone get this guy a wheelchair._

16 minutes ago: Steve to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _I'm not that old!_

16 minutes ago: Tony to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _Sure you aren't. Hawky, I'm having lunch with Pepper so count me out._

15 minutes ago: Clint to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _ok. And don't call me that please_

15 minutes ago: Tony to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _lol ok Legolas._

15 minutes ago: Clint to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _haha. Real funny pal._

15 minutes ago: Bucky to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _I'll go_

15 minutes ago: Tony to Group Chat: super-cool losers

 _Wait seriously?_

15 minutes ago: Bucky to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _Ygeah_

14 minutes ago: Clint to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _Ok. Meet me outside._

14 minutes ago: Bucky to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _C u_

14 minutes ago: Tony to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _Whoa wait wait. Is it going to be your first time, bucky?_

14 minutes ago: Bucky to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _To a mall yes_

14 minutes ago: Tony to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _Wowow our boy growin up now._

14 minutes ago: Tony to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _Or mayb I should say growing younger hehe_

13 minutes ago: Bruce to Group Chat: "super-cool losers"

 _stop spamming the chat_

Wanda laughs and grabs a book off of the shelf, casually tossing her phone onto her bed.

* * *

Instead of driving, the two men walk ("What's your problem with cars again, Bucky?" "Too fast."), and along the way, Clint makes good time explaining the economics of shopping these days.

"You mean, there's really more than a hundred brands in that place?" Bucky says, turning to Clint wide-eyed.

"Yup. It's pretty big."

"I'll say." Bucky turns quiet, thinking about how he used to pop into a certain store to visit his and Steve's mutual friend, Tommy. That good old shop was large in his opinion, but that was back then, and now? The just enough space to lean on the counter and sweet-talk the girl working at the cash register definitely appears meagre in comparison to the malls Clint is talking about.

The two walk in a content silence down the trashed and bustling streets of Manhattan, one man with his hands clasped behind his flannel-clad back, the other with his hands stiffly held at his sides, due to one over-bearing metal arm that he still hasn't become accustomed to.

The sun shines off both of their dark heads.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Bruce, Natasha, and Sam step into the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Sam is secretly wonder-struck by the magnificent columns that seem to stretch on forever on the outside facade of the museum, only to find that inside, his breath is once more taken away by the vast domes overhead. Natasha and Bruce share a smile at the sight of Sam's awe-inspired silence.

"Pretty cool, huh?" Natasha nudges Sam's side, chuckling.

He turns and looks at her dreamily. "I think I've discovered something better than cheeseburgers."

"Wow," Bruce says. "That good, eh?" Nodding absently in response, Sam practically skips into to the nearest art gallery room, completely ignorant of the fact that Natasha and Bruce are left standing in the middle of the mob.

"Uh." Bruce looks around, lost in the crowd of people drowning out each other's voices. "Should we follow him?"

"Hmm," Natasha speaks thoughtfully. "Maybe we should leave him alone. Let him enjoy himself."

Bruce and Natasha walk up the stairs, in search of her favourite exhibit, the one with "Boating" by Edouard Manet. They make their way leisurely through the swarm of families, art critics, fanatics, and couples.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Tony sits at a linen-covered table set for two. He unconsciously re-arranges the flower bouquet in the centre, moving around the washed-out-orange tulips and soft-yellow peonies. Then he anxiously glances at his shiny black Rolex watch, shaking his foot under the table.

Wide floor to ceiling glass windows provide a vista across the city bustling below, and because the restaurant is placed in a spot just so when Tony tries hard enough, he can see the Avengers' Mansion.

He takes in a few deep breaths, along with the view, squinting into the bright sunlight.

A slender pale hand is placed gently on his shoulder. "Hey," Pepper Potts says. "Sorry, I'm late. I was held up at work. You know how that is." She pulls out the dark wooden chair, twin to the one Tony's sitting in, and sets her navy purse in between her back and the chair's.

"Yeah. No. That's fine! I know how it is. That's fine." Tony had turned his head to look at her so quickly that he had received a crick, and is now massaging it out as he replies, neck still craned at an awkward angle. "I ordered for us already."

"Hmm," she says, glancing down at the plate set before her. "Wow! Smoked salmon with rosemary, my favourite! You remembered!"

Pepper smiles, and suddenly Tony finds it hard to breathe normally. "Shall we get started?"

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"Clint, I have a question." Bucky is watching as Clint is trying on a hideous purple windbreaker. Why anyone would have that in stock completely surpassed Bucky's thinking capabilities, other than that they were made for people with Clint's odd fashion taste.

They have been walking around the mall for a couple hours now, moving in and out of the different stores and purchasing things of varying levels of usefulness. Like the oddly shaped porcelain bookends that Clint seemed intent on buying, the strangely expensive French press coffee maker, and the hammerhead shark shaped gold bottle opener. Yeah. Useful.

But Bucky had bought some new pairs of jeans from his new favourite store 'Gap', and new long-sleeved shirts to replace the ones that he's always ripping, so it wasn't all that bad.

"Yeah?" Clint turns and looks in the mirror, his face portraying no emotion other than satisfaction. He adjusts the jacket on himself in small movements, checking himself out with the zipper up and with it down.

"Is purple your favourite colour?"

"What?" Clint turns to Bucky confused. "Why would it be?"

"Well," Bucky is uncertain how to begin. "You seem to wear it a lot."

"I do?" Clint seems astonished and apparently unconscious of the fact that his sneakers are dark purple, as well as the majority of the t-shirts he had just purchased.

"Yes?" Bucky pulls out one of the t-shirts from the shopping bag. He holds it up, studying it carefully to make sure he is not mistaken. He's not. It's not a bad shade of purple, rather a pretty shade of mauveine. "What is this to you then, Clint?

"Uh, grey." Clint's face is dead serious. A terse pause ensues. "Um, what colour is it to you?"

"Purple, Clint," Bucky says worriedly. "Purple."

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Having found 'Boating', and having thoroughly discussed the great skills of Manet, Natasha and Bruce have moved on to the rest of the Impressionists. They walk side by side, the red-head moving with ease, stepping lightly around the little children, while the larger moves with heavy feet.

Bruce stops in front of a painting done by Degas, titled 'The Dancing Class'. Natasha's smile slides off her face as she studies the subjects of the picture impassively, a peculiar expression on her face. One solitary ballerina graces the room with her presence as she stands in the middle of it, her gaze on the ground in front of her, and a small smile on her lips. There are two ballerinas watching her from the piano, where an old man sits playing the violin.

"Have you heard the saying, life imitates art?" Bruce asks. "Without art, can life exist? Without life, can art exist? And dancing! Oh, how dancing is a form of art! It's quite beautiful, is it not, Natasha?"

"Very," Natasha says wistfully. "Very." Bruce watches her carefully. "I knew a ballerina once," Natasha continues in a strong voice. "She was beautiful. And her dancing was a level unto itself. She danced with such joy, that I wanted to be like her."

Bruce encourages her by nodding.

"I watched her every single day, wishing that I too could be like her," Natasha says, laughing sadly. "Then one day, her husband came and took her away."

"And did she return?"

"Yes. I remember the day clearly. My best friend, Marina, warned me not to go again, saying I would go hungry without begging that day. But in the room, they say hunger only sharpens the mind. So I ran to go see her. The prima ballerina. But when she came out of the car, she was broken. Everything in her was broken. Her husband had broken her." At this, she punches the leather seat of the large sofa they are sitting on. "The only thought I had, was, now she can't dance."

"What did you do?"

"I did something I would regret for the rest of the future."

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"So, Tony," Pepper is gracefully eating her smoked salmon, chewing in small bites. "I'm about to ask a HUGE favour of you."

"Yeah?" Tony puts down the fork he was attacking his linguini with, with a clatter.

Pepper raises her eyebrows slightly. "Uh, I have to go to Los Angeles for a business trip. You know, the big tech company situated there? They want me to consider sponsoring them for this- "

" -Yes, of course I'll go with you!" Tony grins a genuine grin this time.

She blinks. "Oh, Tony," Pepper hesitates, then continues anxiously. "I was actually going to ask you if you could take care of my sister's kid for the time I'm gone. She asked me to, and I can't just refuse her, especially because she can't really find anyone else right now... And..."

"Of course."

"Really?"

"No! I hate kids!"

"Oh." Immediately Pepper looks devastated.

Tony quickly ad-libs. "I, uh, I'm being sarcastic."

"Oh."

Cue the awkward silence.

* * *

Off-screen voice: "So, Tony, how long have you and Pepper been dating?"

Tony (arms crossed, indignant look): "We're not dating."

Off-screen voice: "Then what are you two?"

Tony mutters something that sounds suspiciously like "Gee, maybe that's what I've been wondering this whole time. What am I? Her goddamn babysitter for hire?".

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Bruce is repeating his question. "What did you do?"

"I threw a brick at her husband's car. My friend, my best friend, tried to stop me, but I just did it. So impulsively. And his chauffeur came after me, chased me into an alley. I, well, I shot the man. And they found out. They always find out. They took me back into the Red Room. And they decided that me shooting another meant I was ready for the mission field.

"She was so beautiful. I wish I could dance like that, I thought. I wish I was so good."

Bruce is quiet.

"I was ten years old. I just wanted to be a dancer. A prima ballerina like her." Natasha looks defiant.

She speaks once more. "Marina, my best friend, died because of me. Died because I threw that brick and fast-forwarded my initiation. Died because after my speedy training I was chosen to for a mission in Cuba that ended with me putting a gun to her back. And pulling the trigger.

"I'm a monster."

Finally, Bruce opens his mouth. "When I was a kid, I decided that I didn't want to be a scientist like my father. He, ah, was an alcoholic, to put it lightly, and I thought if I became a physicist I would become just like him. Well, look at me now, eh?"

Natasha twists her mouth into a crooked smile.

"I suppose I did become like him in a way, too," he continues quietly. "I'm exactly like my father when I'm in the green.

"So, you think you're a monster, Natasha?" Bruce asks calmly.

They sit in silence. Two monsters sitting in silence, enjoying each other's company.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"What do you mean the shirt's purple, Bucky?" Clint grabs the t-shirt and looks at it fiercely.

"I mean it's purple, Clint," Bucky says warily. "It's goddamn purple."

"No, it's not, Bucky," Clint counters. "It's grey. It's freaking grey."

"Purple."

"Grey."

"Purple!"

"Grey!"

"Can I help you?" Both men jump at the sound of a third voice chiming in. A teenage boy is standing in front of them, his pimpled face looking a little confused, shifting his weight back and forth from his heels to his toes. "I can get it in another colour if you would like."

"Oh, no, no," Clint says. "My friend here is just a little confused as to what colour this shirt is."

The teenager looks suspiciously at the shirt and mulls over his answer before giving it. "Purple?"

"Ha!" Bucky exclaims triumphantly. The blood drains out of Clint's face.

"WHAT?" Clint's mouth is wide open.

"Uh, I'll just leave you two now. Let me know if you need anything else." The boy scampers off, practically running away.

The fluorescent lighting in the store suddenly makes Clint dizzy and he walks outside reeling.

"Hello?" Bruce answers Clint's phone call, sounding a little startled. "Clint? Are you okay?"

"Yeah- "

" -No he's not, he thinks purple is grey," Bucky interrupts enthusiastically, putting his face near the phone. Clint pushes his stubbled cheek away.

"Um, what?" Bruce answers. He starts laughing. "I would probably say that you're colour-blind, Clint."

"Colour-blind?" Bucky and Clint exclaim in unison.

"Whoa," Bucky says. "That definitely explains A LOT."

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"It's like taking care of a dog! Just feed him and take him out sometimes," Pepper is instructing to Tony. "It won't be that hard."

"And he's how old again?" Tony's face is impassive. He is clearly not amused by this whole situation.

"Five."

"Hmm. Ok. And you expect me to keep him at the compound with me? With our dysfunctional groups of superheroes that barely qualify as adults?"

"Don't be so hard on them! You guys are awesome. Just be sure to watch your language around him."

"Oh, this sounds like a perfect job for our Mr Captain America. Did you consider him?"

Pepper looks slightly hurt. "Well, Tony, obviously I'm closer to you than him."

"So you did consider it."

"No! Tony, you don't have to do it if you don't want to."

"Did I say I wasn't going to do it?"

"Well, no... So you'll do it?"

"Yes, Pepper," Tony says grudgingly. "I'll do it." Pepper reaches over and gives Tony a one-armed hug, beaming and completely unaware of the deep shade of red Tony is turning.

"Thank you so much, Tony!"

"Yeah, yeah. You owe me one."

* * *

Off-screen voice (camera facing Tony sitting in front of the magnificent restaurant windows): "Soooooo looks like you're our resident babysitter now."

Tony (intense stare into camera): "I'm going to be the _best_ resident babysitter now. It's all or nothing."

Off-screen voice (as camera is swinging around to the view outside the window): "Are you sure it's not to impress Pepper or anything? Just an idea."

Tony (now off-screen): "No. Shut up."

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"Clint, are you ok?" Bucky asks in a concerned tone.

"No! I guess I... I don't know. I've always thought grey was my favourite colour, but I guess it wasn't grey after all," Clint sighs heavily and plops onto the bench next to Bucky.

"This is all really confusing."

"I agree."

"Shall we get coffee?" Ever since Bucky discovered Starbucks, he has never been the same, really, and it's become his remedy to almost everything. Foot pain? Caramel macchiato should solve it. Headache? Try a vanilla bean frappe. Oh, you just broke up with your girlfriend and your dog died the same day? Staarrbuuuckkkss. (Steve claims that Bucky sang it out like that one time, true story.)

"Might as well."

The pair walks into the nearest Starbucks.

* * *

Off-screen voice: "So how do you feel?"

Bucky (sipping an iced hazelnut macchiato): "Well, I feel great."

Clint (chewing on straw of a frappuccino drink; really high squeaky voice): "I'M FINE! _*coughs nervously, voice goes much deeper*_ I'm fiiineeee."

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Bruce's smile remains on his face even after the phone call as he shoves his phone back into his pocket.

"What was that about?" Natasha asks.

Bruce laughs. "Guess what we found out?"

"He's scared of pigeons, isn't he? I knew it because one time we were out walking and then he jumped when..." Bruce lets her go on a little bit longer, then interjects.

"He's colour blind!"

Natasha bursts out laughing.

* * *

Natasha (sitting next to Bruce on museum sofa; her straight red hair resting on her shoulders): "I guess I should have seen this coming. He's always had the weirdest taste in clothing, but I never questioned it really because he's just a little, er, quirky like that. And I suppose after SHIELD gave him that odd purple super-suit, we all just assumed it was his favoured colour."

Bruce: "I just thought he really really really liked purple."

* * *

The famed Avengers gather around the dinner table that night, clamouring over each other about the day's events.

Bucky is teasing Sam about his newfound passion for art, while Bruce listens amused, interposing every so often with a random fact about a particular painter or art movement.

Clint and Steve laugh over Clint's colour-blindness, Steve claiming that he didn't even suspect. This, Clint takes slightly to offence, reasoning to himself that it's because everyone just assumes he has an odd fashion taste.

As they make their way through the burnt pasta Steve cooked while they were all out, Natasha asks Tony about his "date" with Pepper, to which he becomes extremely defensive. Wanda begins to chastise Tony about being nice to Pepper while Tony becomes redder and redder. He quickly clears his throat and promptly begins to change the subject, addressing the whole table.

"So today, Pepper asked me- "

"Oooooo," Sam sings, wiggling his eyebrows.

Tony glares and continues, "To take care of- "

Suddenly the doorbell rings, and everyone looks at each other.

"Uh, I didn't invite anyone else this time, I swear," Clint says, holding his hands up.

"Bucky, did you butt-dial the pizza man again?" Steve asks.

Bucky protests, "I was about to ask you the same thing, old man!"

"Gentlemen, please, act your age," Natasha says as she rolls her eyes at the pair of them, and trudges down the stairs to get the door.

There is a terse silence as everyone waits to find out who the newcomer is...

"AH, NATASHA!" A booming voice declares. "I HAVE FOUND THIS YOUNGLING ON THE STEPS OF YOUR HOUSE, HIS PARENTS APPEAR NOT TO BE AROUND."

"Brother, dear," says a much quieter voice loaded with sarcasm. "Can you speak any louder? Everything you say is sooo interesting."

"Aha," Tony says grinning. "It appears as if our two favourite gods have arrived.

"Along with another that I was about to introduce."

* * *

 **AN:** Thanks for sticking through with this one, I feel like it got a little dark as we digressed into the backstories of Bruce and Natasha. Please feel free to leave a review and let me know what you think :)


	3. Episode 2: We Are Family (a)

**_Keeping Up With The Avengers_ (Season 1)**

 **[Episode 2: _We Are Family, Even Though You're Crazier Than Me_ ]**

Thor (wearing bright red cloak; blond hair cascading over shoulders): "WHAT IS THE GIGANTIC BLACK EYE THAT YOU ARE FACING ME WITH RIGHT NOW?!"

Off-screen voice: "It's called a camera. You don't have these, uh, where you're from?"

Thor (peering into camera up-close; he is truly extremely close, his nose hairs are visible): "NO WE DO NOT. DOES THIS RUN ON ELEKTRICICITY AS WELL?"

Off-screen voice (now laughing): "Uh, it runs on electricity, yeah, you're right."

Thor (steps back; spreads his hands out)"OF COURSE I AM RIGHT!"

* * *

"Well, well, well," Tony says, joining Natasha at the door. The others quickly crowd around him. "If it isn't the sons of Odin." Thor grins, crossing his huge arms, while Loki yawns. They are both wearing the robes and armour typical of Asgard, drawing weird looks from passing pedestrians.

A small voice pipes up from behind the massive bulk of Thor. "And me!" Thor and Loki part and a little boy emerges, clutching his dark blue Batman suitcase. All the Avengers look at each other confused, except for Tony.

* * *

Sam (maroon shirt; standing in front yard): "I mean, come on... BATMAN? Seriously?"

* * *

Tony steps forward and places his hand on the boy. "And him! This is Pepper's sister's son... um..." He looks down at the brown-haired child. "What's your name again, kid?"

The child scrunches his nose up as if he is trying to remember. "Wilhelm Jardins," he says finally. Then he broadly smiles, his chubby cheeks squishing up as he does. "But you can call me Willie!"

* * *

"You're kidding me, right?" Clint asks exasperatedly. "A kid? In the Avenger's compound?" He is sitting on the metal stool of the kitchen's counter, munching an apple voraciously. He wipes some of the juice off his face with his grey sleeve.

"Maybe it won't be that bad," Wanda says, crossing her legs over her own stool.

"It definitely feels good to have an innocent being in the house for once," Natasha continues. She takes a sip from her "I Love NY" coffee mug. Then she gestures with it. "Uh, no offence to any of you guys."

"No, I know what you mean," says Steve. His golden brows are furrowed in concentration. "But that's the thing, isn't it? We're going to be on duty 24/7 with this kid around."

"What do you mean?" Clint asks, now spinning on the rotatable tops of the stool having finished his apple. "On duty?" Bruce tilts his head in agreement.

"Well," Steve starts slowly. "No cursing, first of all." At this, he shoots a look at Tony, who raises his hands in the air innocently. "We have to set a good example for the kid."

"Look," Tony says from where he's standing with his arms now crossed. "The only thing that I'm concerned about, is how the little guy's going to live! I mean, what kind of loving parent names their child Wilhelm!"

"Clearly the most important thing, Tony," Steve counters. "Well done."

"Aw, come on guys!" Sam yells from the neighbouring room where he is playing Jenga with Thor, Loki, and Willie. "It can't be that hard, right!"

* * *

"Ok, this is getting hard," Sam groans as Willie runs around his underwear, refusing to wear his pyjamas for what it seems like the fortieth time. Bucky is sprawled on the purple couch of the hallway and makes a half-hearted swipe at the little boy, sighing.

"So remind me why we're the two stuck on kid-duty, again?" The Winter Soldier asks, holding out Willie's pink and blue striped pants. "Please?" He says unconfidently to Willie, who makes a couple passes in front of him, giggling.

* * *

[EARLIER SCENE]

"You said it wouldn't be that hard, Sam," Tony says, smirking at the dumbfounded man and twirling his car keys on one finger, the other hand on the doorknob.

"B-b-but..." Sam splutters. "I wanted to go with you guys!"

"Relax," Tony continues. "I've left Bucky in charge with you! You'll be fine." He then promptly closes the front door on Sam's face.

Sam stares at the now-closed door, mouthing the words 'babysitting' over and over again. He feels a tugging at his jeans and looks down. Willie is standing there bare-footed and smiling brightly, his face smeared with peanut butter, his hands sticky with ketchup. He hears Bucky scream in the background.

"Metal man is crying because I coloured the table with my paints. I found them in the kitchen," Willie whispers confidingly.

Sam feels his eye twitch, glances at his freshly condiment stained pants, and sighs.

* * *

"Yeah, I don't know, Buck," Sam says, watching as Willie nearly knocks over Steve's favourite yellow vase. Willie neatly trips on the edge of a table and falls, only to get back up again. "I don't know."

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Thor is stuck in front of the automatic doors of IKEA. As they slide open and shut, he tries to summon the courage to pass through, but can't. Natasha looks at him oddly as she enters IKEA smoothly.

"He's, ah, always had a little trouble with this," Loki says, his lip curling in sardonic amusement as he watches his brother fail to enter repeatedly. He uncomfortably fidgets with the t-shirt and jeans Tony had forced him and Thor into. "And I'll never get used to these limiting clothing choices."

Steve nods knowingly. "I can relate." He turns to his side, expecting Bucky to be standing there nodding as well, but frowns as he remembers where his best friend truly is. "Were we right in leaving Sam and Bucky on kid duty?"

"Yeah," Clint says, watching as Thor once more attempts to walk in, only to stop with his teeth clenched. "Parenting's a privilege, kid."

Natasha rolls her eyes. "Our resident dad speaks wisdom." Clint fakes a punch at her, and she ducks, laughing.

"AHA! I HAVE CONQUERED THIS BEAST OF A DOOR!" Thor has indeed finally jumped through the automatic doors and is standing triumphantly in front of Bruce, who looks like he wishes he could be anywhere other than in the loud Asgardian's face.

"Applause, applause, dear brother," Loki says dryly.

"Aaaaand we're moving on," Tony says briskly, striding over to the escalator that would take them to the main showing areas.

The odd group follows him, some, in particular, having trouble going up the escalator ("WAHOOOEY! WHY IS THIS METAL STAIRCASE MOVING?").

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"What do we do?"

Bucky hands Sam's iPhone over in response. "Call Tony or Clint or Steve... or just someone responsible," he replies.

"Ok." Sam scrolls through his contacts until he reaches " _Tony_ _Stank_ " (the contact name induces a sharp chuckle from Bucky). He then taps the call icon and puts the phone up to his face. Meanwhile, Bucky watches as Willie skips up and down the stairs singing a song under his breath.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"What is that supposed to be?" Tony says from where he is sitting bean bag-like chair. "A snake lamp?"

"Dunno," Bruce replies, holding the odd looking lamp up to the light to get a better view.

"I BELIEVE IT IS CALLED HO-HO-ARTE," Thor says. Steve shushes him, gesturing at the families and couples perusing different items in their vicinity.

"Bless you," says Wanda. She is sitting at a white desk with Natasha, examining the price tag.

Bruce scratches his neck. "What?"

Grabbing the price tag on the lamp, Thor points to it, saying, "SEE? HO-HO-ARTE." Steve leans in to see what Thor is talking about, as does Bruce.

"Wait," Bruce exclaims. "Are you saying the name of the designer? Like, um, it says hart-"

"- HO-HO-ARTE."

"Ohhhkay," Tony cranes his neck to take a look, too. The price tag has the word "HÅRTE" printed on it in black bold capital letters. "So you can read Swedish."

"I believe Swedish stems from the Asgardian language, actually," Loki interjects, walking over as well.

"No it doesn't," says Tony.

"It does."

"Doesn't!"

Loki lets out a sigh and mutters something along the lines of 'foolish mortal'.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"He's not picking up," Sam says, shoving his phone into his pocket.

"Damn," Bucky says. He gives Willie a playful growl as the little boy runs past him into the living room. Sam and Bucky turn to each other and both shrug, smiling.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"Ok, so you're saying that I'm wrong," Tony is saying to Loki, who has his arms crossed. Wanda is watching the pair a little apprehensively. All the others are looking through the various chairs that IKEA is showcasing.

"Guys, guys, guys," Clint says, stepping in. "Let's just focus on what we're doing here, ok? Tony? Tell me why we're here."

"To buy furniture for Willie," Tony says in a flat tone.

"Right," Clint continues. "I'm getting tired of having to monitor your goddamn little spats, alright? Act your age."

Tony grimaces and gets up from the beanbag. "You're right, Clint." Loki jumps as Tony claps him on the back.

They all start to walk down the designated path again.

Natasha lags behind with Clint. "Parenting skills, eh?" she says to him cheerfully.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Sam and Bucky have a plan.

But it requires Bucky leaving the mansion and going to the store - which he absolutely hates. What's not to hate? The customers all stare at his arm, and sometimes the sickeningly bright lights make him dizzy. Plus getting accustomed to the overcrowded streets is harder than expected, and Bucky is always getting lost.

"Just walk down the block, make a left, buy some cookies and then come straight back," Sam instructs Bucky. They are both standing in front of the door, the dim light casting shadows across the empty hall preceding it. Bucky swallows and looks down at the dollar bills he's holding in his hand. "Oh! And watch out for Miss Gregory's bulldog," Sam adds. "He's mean."

"Ok," Bucky says, groaning inwardly.

"Ok," Sam repeats.

"Yeah, ok," Bucky says once more.

"Well are you going to go now, or what?"

"Oh." Bucky turns and opens the door. "Bye."

"Bye!" Willie says, having popped up next to Sam. Both men startle at the sight of his half-naked self. Sam quickly pushes the boy away from the open door, horrified that the neighbours might see him like that.

Bucky gives Sam a wild-eyed look and quickly walks away.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

A large metal cart loaded with boxes of unwrapped furniture weaves its way through the throng of people, pushed by Tony. Wanda smiles apologetically at the people that he hollers "EXCUSE ME" to. Natasha and Bruce walk leisurely behind them, voicing their hopes that things are alright at the compound so far, Bruce with his hands clasped behind his back and Natasha deftly dodging the careening carts.

Loki waves his hands vigorously in the air as he and Clint discuss armour and bulletproof Kevlar vests. They slowly push another cart, this one full of various kitchen supplies and random doohickeys that Clint claimed he needed (although, really, it was only because he thought it was funny when Tony's face turned bright red as he lectured Clint about wasting money on stupid stuff).

Steve and Thor are in the bathroom...

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"Make a left, make a left, make a left," Bucky mutters to himself as he walks down the sidewalk. The people of Manhattan pay him no special attention, which he appreciates greatly. "Or maybe it was make a right? No, no, it make a left. Definitely, make a left. Or maybe..."

He pauses in front of the intersection. Nods resolutely to himself.

Then he turns right.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"Do you want to watch 'My Little Pony'?" Willie asks jumping up and down in front of Sam.

"No."

"It's fun, I promise!"

"No."

 _Creeeeeaaaaaak_

Willie stops jumping, looking scared. "Uncle Sam, what was that?"

Sam doesn't know, but he doesn't admit it either. "Aw, it's probably just this old house."

"I thought it was built in 2014," the little boy says cautiously. "That's only a little while ago."

Shocked, Sam says, "How'd you know that?"

Willie points to one photograph on the wall. It's of Tony and Steve giving a thumbs-up to the camera, while Thor has Loki in a headlock in the background. Natasha is crouching on the ground, nailing something down. Clint is showing Wanda a blueprint. The small label reads " **construction time = fun time - _2014_** ".

Sam looks at Willie more closely. He's definitely smarter than he led on. The child inches closer to him.

 _Creeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak_

They both start and sprint into the living room and shut the door, Willie surprisingly out running Sam's long legs.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Thor washes his hands next to a scruffy looking black-haired boy, who looks beat up and tired. After casting one last glance at the teen, Thor exits the bathroom.

Steve is waiting outside, leaning on the wall, taking a nap. His face looks scrunched up as if he is trying to remember something in his sleep. Thor tiptoes up to Steve, about to scare him. The man takes a deep breath in, and is about to blow on Steve's face, when suddenly a loud crash rings from the bathroom.

Flailing his arms, Steve wakes up. He flinches once more when he finds Thor right next to his face.

"AHHAHAHHHAHHAHHHAAA," Thor laughs.

A black pomeranian scampers out of the bathroom, the black-haired teen right on its heels. The lanky green-eyed teenager threatens the small dog with what seems like a tennis racket to Steve. "Come back here and apologise like a woman, Mrs O'Leary!"

"Put down your sword, young one," Thor exclaims. Steve furrows his brows, extremely confused. Thor continues, putting out a hand towards the boy. "And restrain your monster!" Steve scratches his head in bewilderment as the boy grabs the dog by her scruff and pulls her away from Thor.

"What is your name? You have spirit!" Thor says.

"Percy. Percy Jackson."

"Well, son of Jack.." Thor scratches his stubbly chin, then hands over a business card. It reads _Avengers. Manhattan. NY_. "If ever you feel a need to fight otherworldly beings, give us a call."

"Uh," Steve asks. "Where'd that come from?" He's ignored.

Percy looks over the card then gives it to the Pomeranian to eat. It chews on it savagely, glaring at Steve all the while. Steve gulps.

"I think I've had enough fighting monsters, thanks," the teen says.

"PERCY! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN HERE?!" A girls voice emanates out of the bathroom.

"But-but that's the... that's the men's bathroom, right?" Steve splutters, utterly lost.

"Coming Annabeth, sorry," the black-haired teen calls back. He grins.

Then he retreats back into the bathroom with the dog.

 _[TO BE CONTINUED...]_

* * *

 **AN:** Hey guys, here are some answers to the questions I know I'm going to receive: So no, it's not going to turn into a crossover, don't worry. :) I just thought it would be funny to have a little cameo thrown in here because, hey, it's _Manhattan,_ right? Also, Steve can't see through the Mist...

And I cut this episode into two, because it turned out wayyyy too long while I was writing it haha. Again, please please leave a review and tell me how I'm doing. Bad news is better than no news in this case.


	4. Episode 2: We Are Family (b)

**AN:** I feel so encouraged by the reviews that you have posted - and I'm so very sorry I haven't updated recently (gah, writer's block and school are _not_ a good combination). To answer your questions, yes it is indeed an AU. I suppose when I began writing it, I didn't exactly mean it to be, but the idea in my head had absolutely no timeline and so it developed that way. I apologise for not explaining earlier, though I think you pieced it together with your intelligent brains ;). Anyways here is part 2, in which Bucky gets lost (oh my!), Sam and Willie discover something at home, and the others conclude their shopping trip.

P.S. One of the Clint jokes at the end is from the wonderful fanfic writer alkhatine.

* * *

 ** _Keeping Up With The Avengers_ (Season 1)**

 **[Episode 2: _We Are Family, Even Though You're Crazier Than Me (part b)_ ]**

Bucky pushes through the crowds of people, during which his metal arm comes to great use - battering ram, eh?

He has been walking for a quite a bit now, and the store hasn't popped up yet. The sun is now gone and it's at that light dusty blue colour that Bucky despises. It reminds him of the train and that makes his head hurt.

"Oh gosh," he mutters. "It was 'make a left', wasn't it?" Bucky makes his way to a dark green bench and sits down, his head cradled in his hands. " _I am not going to cry!_ " The hobo sitting next to him pats his back nonchalantly. Normally Bucky would have moved, but it feels nice to have someone comfort him.

"What's wrong, buddy?" The old hobo asks him, a French accent reminiscent on his tongue. "You don't look too good."

* * *

Bucky (looking earnestly at the camera): "Normally, homeless people here in New York are different. You know? These people are very serious. They have signs that not only say, 'Will work for food,' some of them have what they want: 'Baked potato, chicken caesar salad, raspberry cream cheese bagel with pineapple.'"

Sam (from background): "Yeah, that's 'cause it's the 21st century, old man."

* * *

Bucky sighs and turns to the homeless man. "I think I'm lost, sir." The elder chuckles and shifts in his nest of dirty jackets and blankets. He is now cuddled up and his eyes are closed. Bucky is reminded of a pigeon.

"Ah," the hobo says. "Haven't heard that term in a long, long, long time."

"What do you mean?"

"Sir!"

"Huh?"

"The term, 'sir'," says the old man, chuckling once more. "Haven't been addressed like that in probably seventy years."

"Really?" Bucky is interested now. "Why not?"

"Ah, look at me," continues the old man at Bucky's prompting. "Shoot! I'm an old' hobo now, cradled in the remains of others, trying to get by and live a peaceful life. Pshaw!" The hobo spits on the sidewalk. "Well, I remember the days of glory. Oh yeah, I do."

Bucky waits silently as the old man stares at the sky, an intense glare emanating from his sharp brown eyes.

"I was a lieutenant, son," the hobo says, his eyes still fixated on the grey sky. "In the last world war. Days of fighting on the front, defending our camps, and bleeding for our country. A lot of bleeding." The old man pauses.

Bucky speaks up quickly, his brown eyes widening. "Sir, I fought in that war, too."

The hobo starts laughing, a downright cackle of mirth. "For sure you did, son! Naw, shoot, if you did, you would be as old as me. Didn't they teach you anything in your history class?"

Turning red, Bucky responds bashfully, "No, I did fight in that war. Part of Captain America's special group of soldiers. I, uh, became an experiment and was preserved for the past years. Just came back a while ago."

"You don't say?" the old man mumbles, staring at Bucky now. "Part of ol' Cap's group, you said? You still hang around him sometimes?"

"Yeah," Bucky says, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully. "We live together."

"Hmm, I see." The hobo eyes him once more, as if considering something, then dismisses the apparent thought, turning on his side and wraps his arms around himself, shivering. "And how's civilian life suiting you?"

"It's alright." Bucky swallows. "Still adjusting." He regrets the word that comes out of his mouth next: "You?"

The old man locks his own intelligent brown eyes on Bucky's. "Whattya think?"

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Sam turns on the TV. He steadies his shaky hands and finds the remote control. "You wanted to watch 'My Little Pony', right?"

Willie nods emphatically from the couch where he has barricaded himself with the navy-coloured pillows. His eyes peer out from the little hole he has made, and Sam has to fight the urge to laugh despite their situation.

"Alright."

Sam is scrolling through the Netflix account users, trying to find 'Kids' (it doesn't exist), when he hears the sound again.

That creaking sound.

 _Creaaaaaaaak_

This time it's accompanied by a loud bang from upstairs. Sam jumps onto the couch and buries his head in the pillows. He takes a few deep breaths, calming his racing heart. "Come on, Sam," he says, gritting his teeth. "You're an Avenger, for crying out loud!" Willie giggles from next to him, also hidden under the pillows.

"Alright, we're checking it out," Sam declares in a whisper. His brown eyes meet Willie's in the darkness of the pillow fort. "Are you with me, comrade?"

"Yes, sir!" Willie stands up, abruptly, knocking over the dark blue pillows, and startling Sam once more in the process. The kid grabs a heavy book that Clint had been reading the night before. "Weapon!" He says, waving it around.

"Good!" Sam picks up one of the pillows and beckons for Willie to follow him. They convene at the locked door, and Sam slowly opens it.

The two poke their heads around the corner of the door, furtively looking around.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Steve and Thor are now standing with the rest of the Avengers at the infamously long IKEA check-out line, Steve stealing quick looks at Thor every once in a while, clearly still befuddled about the event at the bathroom.

"You guys spent a while in the bathroom," Clint observes, raising his eyebrows. "Long time to take a piss."

Thor laughs while Loki looks rather disgusted and Steve ducks his blushing head.

Natasha shakes her head. Tony copies her, tsking. Natasha turns on him, "Excuse me, Mr Billionaire, but I'm pretty sure bathroom jokes aren't past you either."

"Woah, uh," he responds. Tony quickly snatches a pack of utensils from one of the bins stacked on the sides of the line. "Wow, look! Forks! Clint, your favourite!" He tosses it to Clint, who catches them without even looking. Thor leans over and reads off of its label.

"FURNEWFT," he booms, translating. "Sense. Or reason. Depends on the context."

"Yes," Tony says, rolling his eyes. "Thank you. Because we totally needed the translation for the utensils."

"I sense jealousy, man of Iron," retorts Thor, frowning and crossing his arms.

"NO! Why would I be jealous?" The billionaire turns away from Thor and starts a conversation with Loki. He grumbles as the Asgardian launches into how he has found the next modern weapon. "Of course," Tony grumbles, muttering as Loki enthusiastically informs him about the advantages of having a blender at home. "Of course the one language I decide not to learn is Swedish."

* * *

Sam (whispering; while Willie is silently doing jumping jacks in the dark corridor): "Yeah, so, we're just going to squirm - uh, go - upstairs. Uh yeah, and it'll be good. Willie and I will find where the source is coming from. Easily done mission!

"Am I scared? _*awkward laughter*_ No, I'm not scared."

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

IKEA's exit doors slide open much to Thor's dismay. He is now stuck once more in front of them, while everyone watches impatiently from the other side.

Natasha's arms are crossed as she leans against the blue cart, while Tony and Bruce eye the crowd spilling out of the store around Thor. He has already gained a lot of weird looks. Wanda and Steve stand a few yards away, the two introverts already embarrassed by the attention.

"Let's get along now, Tommy," one befuddled mother says, grasping her little toddler's hand and pulling him. Little Tommy stares at Thor's long blonde hair.

"My Little Pony!" He says excitedly. Thor makes a cautious step towards the doors.

"Come on, tough guy," Clint exclaims, throwing his hands in the air.

Thor pauses and hops through. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief and begins to stride away, leaving behind Thor to jog after them, his long Pantene hair tangling in the winter breeze.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"Do you want to come home with me?" Bucky asks, biting his lips. "Just dinner and, you know, you could stay for the night."

The old man gives a loud laugh. "Oh, boy!" He cries, clapping his weathered hands. "Come with you and see ol' Cap again? Shoot pal. I could do that. Yeah, I could."

"Great!" Bucky stands up, dusting off pigeon feathers from his jeans. He extends a hand to the veteran, jokingly saying, "Come on, good sir."

"Lieutenant Dernier," the hobo says, gripping Buck's hand with a powerful grip. "Jacques Dernier. And you are?"

Bucky Barnes stares at the old man in amazement and disbelief. "Jacques? _Jacques?_ It's me! Bucky Barnes." Dernier's mouth drops open, showcasing good strong teeth now yellowing. "We served in the Howling Commandos together! Remember?"

"Oh my - " Shocked, Denier resorts to his native language. " _Oh mon_ _putain dieu! Je ne peux pas le croire! Je ne peux pas le croire!_ " Then after some forethought, he adds, "I could not recognise you because of your hair!" Tears begin to make their way down his face. There are tears on Bucky's face, too.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Willie reaches the door to the upstairs bathroom. Well, one of the five upstairs bathrooms, that is. "What do we do now?"

Sam motions for him to get down, as the banging sound increases in Bruce's bedroom next door. He then puts up two fingers and gestures with them, making it look like they're crawling towards the bedroom. Willie nods, instantly understanding.

They begin to army-crawl across the hall, the carpet muffling their scraping elbows and knees.

The loud noises seem to get louder as they approach Bruce's room. Bruce's _'I a_ _m already disturbed, please come in'_ sign seems to glow in the darkening light filtering through the window. Sam gulps as they both stop in front of the wood door. He puts up three fingers, then brings one down slowly. _One._

The second. _Two._

And finally, the third finger goes down, Willie licking his lips anxiously. _Three._

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

"Is dat Hawkeye?" A young woman in a woollen grey coat pauses before entering her dark blue BMW, pointing out Clint to her husband. "He has da brown hair!"

"Mein Gott!" her equally young husband cries out. "Hot guy? You say you see hot guy? Liebling, vhat is this you are talking about?"

"Nein, nein..." The woman's protests fade away as the Avengers move on. They eventually reach their silver van and hop in after loading up all their groceries - the trunk is filled rather too quickly and Bruce and Loki in the backseat are forced to hold Clint's kitchen supplies, Steve being uncomfortably poked in his muscular side by the whisk handle. Tony gets into the driver's seat and tosses Wanda his phone.

"Call the pizza place," he commands. "We'll get some to-go. And don't forget to order pickles on the side. You forgot last time."

"You have a missed call from Bucky and Sam," Wanda says, glancing at his lock screen. _Missed call from 'Sam the Patriotic Eagle'_

"Eh," replies Tony, waving a dismissive hand. "They're probably alright."

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Sam rushes into the room, waving his pillow around wildly. Willie jumps into the fray after him, anxiously gripping Clint's _Robots: They're Taking Our Jobs_ with shaking hands.

There are feathers torn up and flying in the air, and through the dark room, Sam can see a short but hulking shape. The shape lets out a sharp cry, before lifting its long arms.

Sam and Willie stand paralyzed as it moves closer. The shape emits another loud ringing screech, shakes and coughs.

"W-w-who are you?" Sam takes a step backwards to the door. His sweaty hand finds the door frame and grasps it, Willie being short enough to scrunch under that arm and hide behind Sam.

The shape pauses and seems to grow even wider. Then it charges at them at an intense speed.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

Bucky and Jacques enter into the nearest store to ask for directions. The shopkeeper, glancing over Jacques and Bucky, seems to categorise Jacques in the 'dirty/unworthy' category, and Bucky in the 'respectable man, but with weird bionic arm' section.

The woman continues to wipe down the countertop as she relays instructions to Bucky. "No, no, honey," she says, chomping on her gum. "You gotta make a right, then turn on 34th. Just keep going straight until you reach that old Beverly's store. You should be able to find your way from there." At the look on Bucky's face, she continues, "Uh, you just want me to write it all down?"

Gratefully nodding, Bucky accepts the woman's messy list of steps and leaves the store, hauling Jacques - who seems to still be in shock - by the hand. Then, the two shuffle down the darkening street, Bucky studying the older man's face as they periodically pass a store's neon lighted windows.

"You didn't age all that bad," Bucky tells him. "Remember our bets?"

Jacques snickers. "For sure I do, Buck."

"Twenty-five dollars that you would become a scraggly haired, festering, old man," Bucky recites. "And fifteen that you would die of lung cancer because of all the smoking you did."

Jacques continues for him. "Thirty dollars that you wouldn't make it past fifty years because of partying too hard, opposed to the forty-five that Noles put up saying that you _would_ because you would want to party longer."

Running his hands through his shaggy hair, Buck smiles. "Well, after I fell, did Noles pay up?"

Bucky's comrade's face turns blank and empty. "He died."

"Shit... "

Jacques continues. "Got shot during the 501st's invasion of Normandy." Bucky's arm slinks around Jacques' shoulder, and Jacques drapes his around Bucky's.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there," Bucky whispers. "I _should_ have been there."

The two friends walk down the street together, united once more.

* * *

[MEANWHILE]

The Avengers sit in the van, Tony stuffing pizza into his mouth as he dangerously navigates the New York traffic with one hand. Wanda squeaks as he narrowly misses a kid on a bike. In response, Tony calmly flips off the perpetrator merrily, as Wanda looks on disapprovingly.

Natasha and Bruce exchange glances at this, and they both grin. Then Natasha reaches over to the radio and presses a couple buttons - soon "Believer" by Imagine Dragons is blasting in the car.

As Clint sings along in his stunningly good voice, Steve observes wide-eyed, having never _really_ adjusted to music from 'nowadays'. As "Believer" reaches its final throes, Tony pulls into the driveway and everyone piles out.

"Do you hear that?" Natasha cocks her head.

"Sounds like screaming," Thor bellows, puffing his chest out. "Shall I go and rescue whoever is making the sound?"

"Wait, I recognise that sound," interrupts Clint, smirking. "Sounds exactly like Sam when we watched "Rings" last week." True to his words, the man comes practically flying out the door to their mansion, howling, Willie dashing out after him.

Although _Willie's_ shriek has stopped, his face muscles have refused to allow the mouth to close. Tony mutters something around his pizza slice about how Pepper was going to kill him and jogs over to the pair of them.

Sam and Willie stand with their hands on their knees, panting hard. Tony takes a look inside the dark corridor.

Suddenly, a large something pops out of the house and tumbles down the grass. Tony makes a high-pitched squeal, then turns and glares at the object of his embarrassment.

The thing unfurls its giant wings and caws.

"My God," Bruce whispers. "It's a vulture."

 _[TO BE CONTINUED...]_


	5. MiniEpisode: What The Neighbours Thought

**AN:** Please take note that this is a mini-episode, meaning it has no affiliation to the plot we have right now. It's just some extra stuff. Also, any thoughts on who the cameraman is? (¬‿¬)

* * *

 _ **Keeping Up With The Avengers**_ **(Season 1)**

 **[Mini-Episode: _What the Neighbours Thought_ ]**

A battered white sedan pulls into the driveway and a black dog jumps out. She is superseded by an old lady of around seventy years of age.

The old lady looks straight at the camera and waves her fist. "What do you want?"

Camera shakes. Then it is turned off.

* * *

"I'm terribly sorry ma'am," Christine Park tells the old lady. "I'm a, um, local film student looking to do a project on the neighbourhood. Would you be willing to be interviewed?"

The old lady puffs up like a rooster. "Ah, I knew you would be interested in me. I've got thousands of stories, child!"

Christine feigns great interest as the lady chatters away.

The camera swings down as the large black dog pants into it, fogging up the lenses. There is a chuckling sound heard, as the cameraman pets her.

"What's her name?"

"Huh?" The old lady turns sharply and stares at the unseen cameraman. "Charlotte. That's her name."

She turns back to Christine.

* * *

Old lady (sitting on her old vintage leather couch, sipping a margarita): "Hello, my name is Georgiana Schuyler. I'm not telling you my age because that's a secret. _*chuckles*_ I've lived in this house for about eight years now. Moved in when my husband passed away."

Cameraman (off-camera, obviously): "Aww, I'm sorry."

Georgiana Schuyler: "That's alright. He was a jerk if ever I saw one."

Cameraman: "Ah, reminds me of someone I know haha." _*coughs when Christine elbows him in the ribs*_

Christine (sitting next to cameraman, also unseen): "So what do you think about the neighbourhood? Pretty nice from what I can tell."

Georgiana: "Eh, it's alright. Quiet. Until those next-door neighbours moved in, that is."

Christine: "Tell me about them."

Georgiana (rolling eyes): "Completely unaware that there are other residents in this neighbourhood! So loud! Well, I'll tell you what, back in my day, we would have solved the problem by calling the police! Now the police are the ones who make the trouble! It's crazy!"

Cameraman: "I'll say."

Georgiana (still ranting): "Only that one nice young man is respectful. Bruce, I think his name is. He even helped me across the street once! The other one, Tony, just looked and didn't even offer a hand. Youngsters nowadays, my, my. Oh and the young ladies! That small one with the accent never talks - I have my suspicions about that, if you know what I mean."

Christine: "Right."

Georgiana (taking a long sip from her drink): "Hmmph. And the red-head, she's also very very quiet. But I can see her watching me. She gives me the creeps. Her friend is alright. He's polite enough. He introduced himself to me once, _and_ he pets Charlotte.

"Oh there's the other two, too. The blonde young man and his friend, the other one who's, er, _*whispers* disabled_."

Cameraman: "You don't need to act like that's a bad word. There's nothing wrong with being disabled."

Georgiana (blushing): "Right."

Christine (clears throat): "Well, could you tell us of a few instances that you feel are significant to this neighbourhood?"

Georgiana (perking up): "Ooh, yes! Well, hmm, there was this one time with the neighbours, the ones I was telling you about. They were having a barbeque of some sort or something in their backyard. Nearly burned down the whole yard, they did. It was certainly quite exciting. Some squad came by and helped them extinguish it, I think. I don't believe it was the fire department to be honest.

"I think they may have been, you know, _intoxicated_."

Camerman: "Oh, yeah. Definitely."

* * *

[EARLIER THAT YEAR | COLLECTED FOOTAGE FROM BRUCE'S VIDEO CAMERA]

The camera swings around. There is a small grove of trees ringing around the edge of the backyard. Natasha waves at the camera as it goes by, smiling under her polarised aviators. Her shoes are off for once, and she wiggles her pale toes.

Steve grins at the camera, his light blue t-shirt stained with dirt. He holds a petunia in his huge hand. Then he keeps his pose for a solid three seconds before...

"It's a video," Bruce says from behind the camera. Steve's face turns red when he realises that Bruce isn't taking a picture.

Sparing Steve from furthur embarrassment, Bruce keeps panning the camera until he reaches Tony who is standing at the grill. It's old and spouting an unnecessarily excessive amount of smoke, adding to the charred dull exterior (and the already unpleasant smell emitting from the meat cooking).

"Hey, Mr. Stark," Bruce says. "I think that thing's a violation to the EPA."

Tony glares, wiping sweat off of his forehead with the hand not holding the spatula. He's wearing a _"Kiss The Cook"_ apron that has been modified to say _"Kiss Jarvis - oh wait..."_. "It's an important artifact, alright, green guy? Family tradition. History."

"Yeah," Bruce retorts. " _Ancient_ history."

Bucky takes a sip from his soda can from next to him. The camera zooms out a little bit. "I don't think I remember Howard having anything of the sort. If he did, he would have gotten one of the platinum gold plated variety." The long-haired man pushes up his yellow-rimmed sunglasses awkwardly and slaps at a mosquito.

Throwing his hands in the air, Tony groans. "Alright, alright. It's Pepper's okay? I just wanted an excuse to invite her over."

Bruce turns the camera in Bucky's direction and zooms closely in onto his unamused face. "Bad excuse." Needless to say, he's not smiling under his yellow sunglasses.

"So Pepper's coming, too?" Bruce asks as the doorbell rings suddenly. It resounds through the house before trailing out the door and reaching their ears.

At this, Tony wipes his hands hastily on his apron and thrusts the spatula at Bucky. "You take it! I think that's her." Bucky looks at his new responsibility with apprehensiveness. The disheveled Stark dashes off, yelling, "I'm coming!"

"Uh, you do know how to grill burgers right?"

Bucky stares at the camera and hesitates before nodding slowly. "Yeah, yeah." The camera swirls around once more, leaving behind the man looking forlornly at his abandoned drink of soda.

The camera moves shakily as Bruce walks over to Clint and Wanda, who are sitting on a picnic blanket spread out over the glinting grass. Wanda covers her face shyly while Clint nods at the camera.

"Whatcha guys up to?" Bruce asks, plopping himself down and promptly sitting down on their carefully set-up playing cards. "Oh."

Clint sighed, then turned to Wanda. "You don't need to be so scared Wanda, it's just a camera. Bruce's isn't going to release it to S.H.I.E.L.D. or anything like that." Wanda slowly lowers her hand and turns her face towards Bruce. Her long hair is tied up for once, due to the hot weather, and she bashfully grins.

"Dog days summer, eh?" Clint stifles a laugh when Wanda cocks her head confusedly. "You know, when it's hot enough to kill dogs?"

Wanda looks horrified. Clint coughs, carefully disguising his delighted snicker.

Bruce disapproves. "Wanda, it's called dog days because the ancient Romans associated the hottest days of summer with the star Sirius. Sirius is known as the "dog star" because it's - "

Clint breaks in, lying backwards on the blanket. " - blah, blah, blah, blah. Why do you even know this stuff, Bruce?"

"Because you never know when it'll come in handy."

"Ugh, let me rest my brain dude."

"Um, okay, sorry," Bruce says. Soon Clint is snoring away, much to Wanda and Bruce's amusement. Wanda puts a finger to her mouth, a quiet gesture of silence, and Bruce turns the camera off.

* * *

The camera is turned back on and is now recording Bucky at the grill. He seems to be doing a lot better than Tony was, although every now and then he loses his control over his metal arm and propels a burger into the air with unmatched strength.

"Yo, chill," Tony says, striding by with Pepper on his arm. His apron has disappeared, and his hair is impeccably combed. Pepper rolls her eyes at Tony.

"You're doing great, Bucky," she says, smiling apologetically.

Bucky blushes and pushes back his sweaty hair. "Sorry."

Natasha calls from across the yard, where she is reading a science magazine. "Do you need a hair-tie, Buck?"

She snaps one across to him, and Bucky catches it, nearly falling as he tries to do it with one-hand.

"You need a hand, Buck?" Steve has finished up his gardening, but unfortunately, has not changed his dirty shirt.

Bucky grins. "Need an extra arm, more like," he says, pointing at a burger patty that was catapulted into one of the trees. Steve grimaces, shaking his head.

"Seriously, why are they making _you_ do it?"

"It's fine, Stevie. _I'm_ fine. Go relax. Look, Natasha's waving at you!"

Actually, as Bruce finds out when he turns his camera, Natasha's flipping Steve off.

"Hey, you American golden boy! How did you get dirt in my piña colada? Huh?!" Steve's face turns white. Natasha gets up, carefully places her sunglasses and magazine on her chair, and begins calmly walking towards Steve with her drink in hand.

"Run, Steve," Bucky advises. Steve doesn't think twice.

The large man tries hiding behind Clint at first, but Clint's had enough Natasha experience to know that he shouldn't interfere. "You're on your own, buddy," he says, although not without pity for Steve. Bucky watches with an open mouth as Natasha grabs Steve with one arm, puts him in a chokehold and dumps her drink on his face.

"Cheers!" She exclaims, grinning down at the blonde. Steve splutters and tries to wipe at his soaked face from under Natasha's strong half-nelson. Bruce's camera zooms in on Steve's sad puppy eyes as he struggles to get out of Natasha's hold.

"Nat," Clint says passively. "Nat, he's turning red." Indeed, Steve is turning red, but mostly from the exertion of trying to break free. Natasha is loosening her grip when, all of a sudden, a large cracking sound rings around the yard. Everyone turns (including the camera) to look at Bucky, who stares back at them in shock. Behind him, the barbeque's grilling plate has fallen right into the fire and coals smoking underneath it.

With a flash, the meat that was originally on the grill burst into flames. Tony turns to Pepper apologetically, but that isn't all there is to it. The flames begin to rise higher and higher until Bucky is forced to back up towards the motionless crowd.

"Uh," Bruce says. "Should we get the fire extinguisher?"

"Nah," Tony responds. "It'll die down." Famous last words. The whole grill makes a popping noise and begins flaming like hell. Wanda runs into the house to grab the fire extinguisher while everyone scampers to a corner of the yard.

"I THOUGHT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS!" Steve yells into Natasha's ear over the crackling of the fire spreading. Natasha shakes her head through the smoke.

"JUST GET BACK INTO THE HOUSE," she cries back. "EVERYONE BACK IN. HURRY! IT'S SPREADING!" She pushes and shoves, getting everyone closer to the gate of the yard when Tony, who is last in the line, feels something hot against his heels. He looks down and screams.

Clint and Bruce whip around fast enough to see Tony hopping on one foot. The other one is in the air, blazing as a flame ignites on his Chanel designer shoe. "GOSH DARN IT!" Clint runs to him, ripping off Tony's fiery shoe and pulls him away from the fire. Wanda is out by now, looking forlornly at her fire extinguisher, now all spent up from trying.

The camera shakes as everyone sprints into the Avenger mansion. Bucky has gone into a "sorry-still-processing" state and Steve is watching with tremendous concern. Wanda tosses Clint the home phone as Natasha instructs him to call the fire department.

"Yes," Clint says into the phone, rather embarrassedly. "Wellll... we were using a barbeque and then... uh-huh... okay. Wait, what?"

Natasha raises her ash-stained eyebrows as Clint gives her back her phone.

Clint grimaces. "S.H.I.E.L.D. intercepted the call and they're on their way."

"Why are they coming?" Natasha asks this rather rudely.

"Er, something to do with compromising our identities?" Clint scratches his head as Natasha exchanges a glance with Tony, who is icing his foot with great emotion.

* * *

Eventually, S.H.I.E.L.D. organises a team to put out the fire in the least conspicuous way possible, and the Avengers are met at the front of their house by an extremely grumpy looking Director Fury.

"I ask you to stay. Out. Of. Trouble," he says fiercely, poking at the air to emphasise his point. "And look what you guys did! The fire department and the neighbourhood watch and the community association will be UP MY ASS! Not to mention all the neighbours who saw what happened."

The Avengers all look at the ground. The trench-coated man continues, "Are you all aware of how dangerous and expensive this could have turned out? Well, are you?"

Tony opens his mouth to retort then thinks better of it. Fury turns to Bruce's camera. "PUT THAT AWAY FOR GOODNESS' SAKE."

"Er, sir, yes, sir." The camera is turned off.

* * *

Bruce turns on his camera for the final time. When Steve looks curiously at it, Bruce mutters, "Might as well end it off." Everyone is outside, watching Fury talk calmly with the inquisitive neighbours. Every now and then he gestures at the mansion and all the Avengers duck their heads bashfully.

Finally the neighbourhood quiets down and Fury meets them one final time. "Now when I say 'stay outta trouble'," he says, glaring under his one good eye. "Stay out of trouble."

Everyone nods.

Just then, a silver sedan pulls up to the driveway. Fury turns his glare on the car. "What the - "

Sam steps out, balancing seven pizza boxes on one hand. "Whoa," he says, staring.

Wanda and Clint exchange a foreboding look. Tony gets elbowed in the ribs by Pepper, and speaks, "Uh, where were you?"

"The job interview at the daycare centre, remember?" Sam's face falls as no one responds. "You guys don't remember anyth - " He sniffs the air. "Why do I smell smoke?"

Tony gulps. "Look. I know what it looks like, but - "

"AWWW MAN! YOU GUYS HAD A BARBEQUE WITHOUT ME?"


	6. Episode 3: En Route

**AN:** Hello everyone. Yes, I am still alive. Sorry for putting everything on hold for so long. Please continue to motivate me to keep writing! Love you all bunches, and again, leave some feedback for me to work off of!

* * *

 ** _Keeping Up With The Avengers_ (Season 1)**

 **[Episode 3: _En Route to The Home of The Maple Syrup_ ]**

Tony Stark (red long-sleeve, broodingly gazing off into the distance): "Pepper is going to kill me, Pepper is going to kill me, Pepper is going to kill me."

* * *

"JESUS, SAM, PEPPER IS GOING TO KILL ME!" Tony grabs Sam's shirt and pulls him up off the grassy ground. "WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!"

Wanda reproachfully gathers Willie into her arms. He looks surprised to find that he has made it out alive. "Vulture," he says, pointing at the bird.

"Vulture," Bruce agrees, patting Willie on the head gently. "You okay, little guy?"

Willie nods his little head, unconsciously sucking on his thumb. "I'm okay." He suddenly gives a gasp and runs out of Wanda's arms, yelling "Uncle Bucky! Uncle Bucky's back with the cookies!"

Clint shakes his head. "Kids," he mutters. Bruce and Wanda exchange confused glances.

Bucky rounds the corner, Willie and another old man hanging off of his arms.

"What the f-" Clint starts then shakes his head once again. "Old men." He walks back into the car where Natasha and Steve are sitting and gazes at the scene unfolding in front of him. Natasha pats him on the back, while Thor and Loki look on in confused amusement.

* * *

"So you're saying that this bird just happened to fly in through _my_ open bedroom window and you found it here?" Bruce folds his arms and grimaces. "Where did it even come from?"

Steve sits on the old couch with his hands pressed together like a little temple to the vulture god. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there some sort of... " He turns to Bucky who is sitting with Jacques. "What's it's called again? When you dial a number and it goes straight to whatever you need?"

Bucky quirks an eyebrow. "A hotline?"

"So Old Man Number 2 has been doing his research," Tony says, rolling his eyes. "But that's not what _I'm_ confused about here... Who the hell is that?" He pointed to Jacques. "Are there three old men living with us now?"

Steve and Bucky both glare at Tony. "We're not old!"

Jacques stands up from where he is sitting and lifts a weathered hand in salutation. "My names is Jacques and I used to serve-"

"-YOU MORTALS ARE SO PETTY," says you-know-who.

Loki retorts, "Like _you_ aren't, Mr You-used-up-my-shampoo-last-week-and-now-I'm-going-to-call-Mommy."

"WHY YOU-"

"-guys, the bird belongs to some organisation in Canada and we need to fly it back somehow!" Wanda and Natasha practically fly into the room themselves, with Willie dashing in behind them.

The men stare at each other.

Clint turns to the camera. "We're going to Canada!"

Wiggles eyebrows.

* * *

Natasha (glowering slightly at camera; she is uncomfortable): "How do I feel about Canada? Bad blood there, you know? I try not to mingle with Canadians, but, oh well. A woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do."

Bruce (wearing black-rimmed glasses like a hipster): "Yeah, I agree with Natasha. I mean, the last time I was there I kind of destroyed a gift shop and scared off a few tourists."

* * *

"Clothes?"

"Check."

"Brochures?"

"Check. I packed every single one, Uncle Tony."

"Underwear?"

"Check. Even your green dollar sign ones."

"What the... Fudge-Uncle-Car-Keys?! What green dollar sign ones?"

"Auntie Pepper sent them with me, remember?"

"No. Well, throw them in anyway, that's a good boy."

"I already did remember?"

"Oh right. Sunscreen?"

"There's not going to be sun in Canada, silly! When it's wintertime, it's nighttime for twenty-three hours and then daytime for five! Or... that's what Wikipedia said, anyways."

"I'm not even going to get started on what's wrong with that statement, Willie."

* * *

"Clint, can you grab the bug spray?"

"Ooooh, is little wittle Natasha scared of bugs?"

"NO!"

"Then why are there five cans of bug spray? Hmm?"

"Shut up!"

A long series of bangs and clangs follow.

* * *

"Loki, what is this metallic thing on my clothes-case?"

"That, Thor, is called a combination lock. And it's _suitcase_ , not _clothes-case_. Get it right."

"Ingenious! What does it -

" - don't do that. I'm not - "

" - OUCH!"

"A combination lock, as you have just demonstrated, is used to "lock" things up in a suitcase. Like your hair."

"Like my hair," Thor sadly agrees, carefully tugging his long blonde strands out of the combination-locked suitcase.

* * *

"Don't forget your vinyasa book, Bruce."

"Thanks, Wanda."

* * *

"Steve, can I have some of that cupcake?"

"Sure - What the...?"

"SAM, that's not fair! Why'd you have to eat it?"

"Tsk, tsk, Bucky, you're too old for all this sweetness. Share with the youngsters."

* * *

After much bustling around the mansion, everyone reconvenes at the front hall, numerous luggage bags scuffing the toes of the Avengers.

Tony claps his hands, his sunglasses glinting in the hallway light. "Okay, so we'll be taking my private jet. That means - "

" - yeah, Tony, we know, we know," Clint says, throwing up his hands. "No smoking, no drinking unless you say we can, no parties unless you say we can, no pole-dancing until after eleven in the evening... Am I forgetting something?"

"No watching movies after eleven because it'll interfere with the pole-dancing, no loud noises, no disturbing Tony when he's sleeping," Natasha adds. "I think that's it."

"Harumph." Tony pretends not to have heard. "Just get in the car," he grunts.

Tony looks down when he feels a soft hand take his. " _I'll_ follow your rules," Willie promises. "Elmo says to always follow the rules."

* * *

The Avenger's van, lovingly decorated with "Love is love is love is love" bumper stickers by Wanda, skirts through the traffic wildly.

"Dammit Tony, can't you just let me drive?" Clint reaches for the wheel, jokingly.

"NOO," Tony slaps his hand away.

"He likes controlling everything," Natasha observes wisely. She rolls her shoulders under her navy blue hoodie, stretching out her legs.

Loki nods in agreement. "I know how that feels."

Meanwhile, Steve moans about being carsick as Wanda pats his back sympathetically. Bruce is educating Willie about the finer parts of Canada, because Willie is really the only one who would listen.

Thor fidgets with his denim jacket as he stares out the window at the blonde women walking down the street. He examines his own hair. "Everyone," he asks hesitantly. "Do you... do you think I should dye my hair brown? I believe a haircut is long overdue, as well."

Like a broken record, everything and everyone stop what they're doing.

(Cue Ragnorak theme music...)

"No," Loki says at last. "Dear God, no, brother."

* * *

The airport is extremely large. The camera crew follows from a distance after everyone checks in their luggage.

No one turns their heads and screams "OMG IT'S TONY STARK", although at one point Wanda is asked for her number. She politely declines, amidst a lot of snickering from Tony's direction. Blushing, she and Natasha follow Bruce and Loki into a tea shop.

On the other hand, Clint's attention is drawn to a bobblehead in the Airport Giftshop and he drags Steve off to check it out with him. Thor shrugs and follows them in.

"THIRTY MINUTES BEFORE WE BOARD," Tony calls after them. Jacques excuses himself and sidles into a phone booth. When he finished his quick phone call, he walks into the Airport Giftshop.

"Guess it's just you and me," Sam says to Bucky.

Bucky points at Tony and Willie, clearly a little confused. Sam shakes his head. "Let's make Tony do babysitting duty this time," he says excitedly. Then, panting loudly, he runs off in the direction of a large doughnut stand. Cautiously, Bucky jogs after him.

Tony looks down at Willie, an expression of dread already written on his face. Willie smiles toothily and points to a store lit up with a bright sign.

The man reads off the neon pink words. "My Little Pony?"

* * *

 _Bzz. Bzz._

Tony swipes a notification on his phone and opens up a group chat titled "super-cool losers":

 _Legolas:_ where's everyone at

 _Scary Russian:_ buying Teavana tea. reaaallly good.

 _Bruce:_ I really got 2 agree w Natasha.

 _Capsicle:_ Did u get me the triple-fusion raspberry vanilla i asked 4?

 _Scary Russian:_ Heck yea, Stevie.

 _Capsicle:_ don't call me tat.

 _Capsicle:_ *tha.

 _Capsicle:_ *that! Darn, not again.

 _Me:_ seventeen minutes left before we have to get moving

 _Scary American_ _:_ _*picture delivered*_

Tony taps on the picture that Bucky sent and it fills the whole screen. In it, Bucky is stuffing a large chocolate doughnut into Sam's mouth and laughing delightedly at the camera.

 _Me:_ Save me some.

 _Scary American:_ Sam says no.

 _Me:_ Damn you, Sam. I will chop off your falcon wings and make stew out of them.

 _Birdman:_ Shut up Stank.

 _Me:_ _*angry face emoji delivered*_

 _Legolas:_ Thor is currently still in the bathroom. Think he may be experimenting with the different types of soap available.

 _Low-key:_ Shall I tell him to come out?

 _Me:_ No. Just leave him in there.

 _Low-key:_ Gladly.

 _Bruce:_ Damn, I'm getting so many notifications because of you guys. Tony are u and willie together?

 _Me:_ _*picture delivered*_

The picture Tony sends is of Willie hugging a large glittery cartoon pony.

 _Wanda:_ Aww that's so cute!

 **15 minutes later**

 _Me:_ are you guys here yet

 _Legolas:_ I see you.

 _Me:_ Yup, see u 2.

 _Scary Russian:_ Bruce wanda loki and I are coming. give us like thirty secs

 _Scary American:_ heading your way.

* * *

"Now boarding, Flight 007," the intercom buzzes.

"That's our signal," Tony says, getting up and brushing pink glitter off of his jacket.

"Double-oh-seven!" Willie pats Bruce excitedly on the arm. "James Bond!"

Bruce coughs into his hand as he picks up his green backpack, then says, "James Bond is a title, not a name."

Steve smiles warmly at Willie. "It's okay, I don't know what he's talking about, either." The large man then shrugs on his grey hoodie, picks up his water bottle and motions for Bucky to follow him.

Hastily finishing up his doughnut, Bucky gets up after Steve, unaware of the crumbs dotting his unshaven face.

"This way," Tony walks by them, Willie pulling him by the hand.

Everyone shuffles after Tony, who casually presents his VIP pass to the flight attendant. The attendant motions for everyone to show their boarding passes. Bruce keeps muttering reminders to himself and a bead of sweat drips down his forehead.

"Chill," says Clint, who is standing casually with his grey pack over one shoulder. "You'll be fine."

Wanda sidles next to Bruce and whispers, "Deep breath. Hold. Release." Bruce gives a nod of thanks and Wanda sidles off back to where Natasha is standing with Loki and Thor.

"WHY ARE WE FLYING IN THIS DANGEROUS CONTRAPTION WHEN WE COULD USE - MPH!" Natasha claps a dangerous hand over Thor's mouth quickly and glares at him.

"What do you think you're doing?" She shakes her head. "Undercover. I say we're undercover and we bring Thor."

Loki sighs. "Now you know how I felt everytime we strived to surprise our father on his birthday. And on my parents' anniversary. And when we tried to get past Heimdall. And that one time when - "

"Enough!" Thor sniffs. "And you say mortals are petty."

Wanda and Natasha roll their eyes at each other. "Men."


End file.
